For starters, if you didn't know, yes I'm a homosexual. I have been my entire life despite popular belief that I woke up one day and chose to be like this. My early middle school years I was having these weird feelings towards men that I couldn't control and I hated myself for it. I knew what I had to do as a Mormon, and that was to go to BYU, serve a mission, come back and get married, and have kids. Life was already laid out for me basically. I began my secret addiction to gay pornography in 7th grade because that was my only way of getting what my heart so desired.
I met a gay kid in my ward in middle school and we both exchanged secrets that we were homosexuals. He was the first I told and I regret it more than anything in my life. He came out in middle school and kids hated him for it so he decided to ease his pain by telling everyone else I was too. I denied those rumors to my grave and I went back into the closet further than I was before. I was on the verge of suicide and I absolutely hated my life and everything about it.
High school finally rolled around and I re-built my reputation and got people to fully believe that I wasn't gay. I dated this wonderful girl named Katie Day for about a year or two and all the rumors had been put to rest. However, I was dating Katie for that reason. I had actually fallen in love with her and honestly thought she was the woman I was supposed to marry. The only problem was for me, there was no sexual interest. Don't get me wrong, she is in NO way ugly or repulsive, I just didn't have the desire to kiss her or anything. The sad thing is...while we dated I would point out cute guys and she would either agree with me or disagree. Long story short, I had to break it off with her. She was way to sweet and nice to me and I was being an ass by lying to her and myself that we should be together.
Senior year finally rolls around and my gay thoughts and desires have increased. The summer before my senior year I went to Boy's State where I met a gay counselor that I was attracted to and I became super curious to talk to him. I had never met a gay person really and I wanted to experiment and ask him questions on his life and how it worked with him being a homosexual. I added him on Facebook and that was it as far as communication for about 6 months.
I couldn't handle hiding my thoughts or feelings anymore so I started doing some research on the internet and talking to other homosexuals including the gay counselor. I began to realize that I was normal and still am. They gave him this feeling of hope that I could do this. But in the back of my mind, I knew it was impossible and I had to overcome it and serve a mission. I started seeking help through the church by attending addiction classes and going to therapy. Both to which didn't help at all and actually made me more upset that being gay was classified as a 'trial' or 'problem'.
I decided it was time to come out to my friends and family and start living life for myself. In May of 2011, I had come out to most all my friends, my family, and some teachers. I've never been happier since and I don't regret it at all. Right now I'm at a university where I can't fully express myself so it does make life hard, but I'm keeping my head up for the most part and going with it. I have the most amazing people in my life I would never of made it this far without them.
Tomorrow is my 2 month anniversary with the greatest man I have ever met. He means the world to me and I wake up every morning so happy that he's all mine. I have never fell so hard in love with anyone and every time I'm with him, I fall more and more in love. My life is great thanks to him. He keeps me going and happy. If only he knew how much I really loved him...although I think he does.
Anyway, thats just my background for now. I'll be doing my life day to day or whatever and hopefully you guys will enjoy what I have to say. Thanks!
-This is my life...
